aggie

Oct 11-12

2026-10-13T09:16:02Z

I don’t remember a lot of what’s been happening this week tbh. I was able to get back to meeting and I really missed it, and they invited me to a “Gen Z Friends” hangout next month I’m really excited for. (I do love that we call one another “Friends.”)

I’ve been getting in a lot of fights with my mom and that makes me really sad. I don’t like fighting with her and a lot of the time it’s over the thing where she thinks I’m mad at her solely because I can’t control the volume of my voice very well and sometimes I talk a bit too loud which makes it seem like I’m mad??? And then I get offended that people think I’m mad all the time when actually I rarely am! And then it just spirals downhill from there. Not fun.

I’m trying to stop being so terribly behind in school except I have no assignments actually overdue I’m just desperately struggling to keep up :( I just can’t manage my time well. Part of my issue though is it’s just not very exciting. I don’t do well when things don’t excite me and this work just isn’t challenging. I am not an 18 year old high school graduate I’m 25 and have been studying religion since 18. Come on. I can do more than this!

I signed up for fifteen credits next semester and I’m going to transfer to my 4 year in the summer of next year. Then I will hopefully have a more challenging academic year lol and I can join honors and have research opportunities. I'm taking Python, Composition I, Introduction to Islam, and Environmental Science.

Oh yeah!! Saturday was the day I was waiting for for months - the Star Trek NYCC panel. There was supposed to be a sneak peek of Academy season 2… but no one said it would be exclusive to NYCC and not posted online!!! I was so mad and we also learned very little about season 2 and we also have to wait until March for it. Ugh. I also failed my very first test that same day so it really kind of sucked and I didn’t have a good day at all. Oh well, they released promo pics at least which means I can cross see Caleb again off my 2026 bingo card lol.

Ah well. Tomorrow I go to the bank and get my money out and add it to my savings which also gets me closer to knocking another square off the card. So yay!!

I haven't written since the 1st and I went over on Beeminder today so goodbye $10. Whoops... But I guess I'm just in a block :( Oh well.

comments

Oct 7-10

2026-10-10T08:34:50Z

I didn't update for a few days because I was tired and slept most of them, but I went to a CupcakKe concert on the 8th, but she didn't come out for 2 hours after the scheduled time and it was standing room only, so I was in severe pain and had to leave before she came on. I also had 3 drinks and got suuuper drunk---drunk for the very first time in my life. It wasn't bad! I wasn't super inhibited or anything, just out of it and dizzy really. I'm REALLY sad she sorta blew us off and it's almost soured her music for me. She is such an idol of mine... ugh. I'm so sad about it.

Plus, everyone there was with all of their friends who were having such a good time together and I was all alone. It really hurt. A cute gay boy came up to me and said I was gorgeous and that made my night though. but man. I'm really bummed, and also in a LOT of pain now.

Still suuper behind in school. Idk what I'm going to do!!! I have a test I may have to take tomorrow if I can't get accommodations from the testing center (the prof gave them to me already) and I'm NOT prepared. I'm just not prepared for anything. I'm really struggling.

Ngl, my head is in the clouds! I'm so happy for some personal things I've got going on right now that I could beam everywhere like an eternal pink sun :DDDDDDD I am so excited for my future. I'm just so excited. I'm over the moon. But planning for my future has sort of distracted me from my schoolwork :( I can't think about anything besides certain beautiful things. Keep me in the Light here please.

I have my first Meeting for Business on Sunday! I don't know how it goes but I'm super excited. Being a Friend and in community with Friends has made me SO happy. I feel like a real adult!!! I'm enjoying attending and everyone there seems to enjoy me too. I feel very accepted for my sexuality and identity. First day there an older lady asked if she could hug me. I said yes, thank you for asking. She said, my kids told me I have to ask now, I didn't know that but it makes sense!! We laughed so hard together. I'm really glad I have a community.

I'm trying to work on exchange stuff. I messed up my ToT offers so I had to default there. I'm not doing well on the "finish everything" bingo card square lol. But I did start on some original erotica so there's that...

I hope I can get caught back up with life soon. Peace out folks.

comments

Oct 06

2026-10-07T11:23:30Z

Crossposted to/from AlienPlace and L4E.

Once again I am technically writing my daily log the next day. I am basically nocturnal now and it's notttt super fun. Also I realized yesterday's log was basically a Now page, lmfao. I'm awake in the morning and asleep during the day and still deeply desperately behind on homework (okay, I'm behind on one assignment I have a weird ADHD block for, but that is too behind for my liking!). I hate sleeping and have Traumas around it so I put it off as much as possible which CAN NOT be good for me and my need to Get Homework Done but I feel even worse if I do sleep than if I don't.

Okay that's a lie I feel equally bad. And there are only two modes of existence when it comes to sleep - awake or asleep - so that means I'm pretty much always feeling groggy and sleep deprived or triggered and panicky. Oh well.

I'm trying to write daily on here, but it's kinda hard to come up with things to write about every day when I don't have a job and I rarely go anywhere lmao. I only go to meeting these days and I missed Sunday because our power went out and electric garage door doesn't mix with that lol. I feel so comforted and healed at meeting and I was extremely sad when I couldn't go (but also I was fucking exhausted that day from, you guessed it, not sleeping.)

I'm also trying to save up money. I talked about this in yesterday's note but I am tryinggg to start a family at some point in the future and to do that I need to save money. I have quite a bit (for someone of my age and experience) saved up already but I'm going to start saving half my monthly income and cut seriously down on my spending..

Some ways to do that maybe:

eating out only 1x per week instead of buying frequently because too fatigued to make food
figure out what i want to spend on entertainment/stupid purchases in the half on my income I'm allowed to spend (I'm thinking like around $550 to give myself a cushion but I should NOT be spending that much anyway lol)
Try to diversify my eating habits to cheaper versions of what I already eat
Cut down on energy drink drinking so I don't have to keep buying and buying themEverything else I mentioned in last post

Mostly I need to start working on my original writing but it's really hard to do that when I can only really think about Starfleet Academy or my happy future. My thoughts are glued to those topics, stained on with permanent hair dye..

But I'm also at the same time doing better than I ever have. And I'm so grateful for that.

I need to go to bed so I can wake up and work on homework and go to my therapy session but I just want to keep working on my site, lol.

comments

september 26, 2026

2026-09-27T03:07:25Z

im sad about things, but happy about many things also. i love that i get to have a future with my beloved--and i do fucking believe we will have one, holy shit, and i love them. i love the time i get to spend with my friends. i love the things i get to do in this world and i wish i could do more of them--i wish people realized that my anger over not being able to do things is rooted in love for the world + finally being so happy with my life in a way previous me could never even have fathomed.

tomorrow i go to meeting again and mom is dropping me off so i finally get to stay behind for social stuff. i hope im not just sitting alone lol. oh well. i will never know unless i try.. i am having so much fun with meeting lol, we have our first spiritual formation social group on the 28th and im excited to get to know some fellow Friends. becoming quaker really has been so good for me :3

i'm super behind in school so i gotta spend all of tomorrow catching up when i get home. it sucks because ive been so damn tired lately. that fucking october slide, lmao. but its ok. i will deal with my penalties i guess. not much else i can do besides pull an all nighter tomorrow. i finally am having some energy so i should work on it now but my brain fog is insane. i've been REALLY dissociative lately. like i've just been deeply dissociated and i think its bc school is so triggering to even be in but. whatevs

i kinda wanna revive my bookwyrm instance???? like i always get nervous posting my reviews on storygraph, i've been having fun putting them on my blog but gahhhhhhhhhhhhh. i want them all in one place too. i am doing this to procrastinate reading. my book wheel landed on Half His Age but i just bought this book bundle so i might start with some of those.

i also wanna get work on my short storiessssss i am gonna make a short story compilation about my yellowjackets knockoff age gap yuri ship and im really excited :3

uhh... i don't know what else. welcome to my journal. my sillyblog 2.0 . enjoyf

comments

today, september 02

2026-09-02T06:49:05Z

I keep feeling this weird block? Like, I just can't seem to work on any of my projects, it feels wrong, it feels like something in me is recoiling at the very thought of creating or working on my sites or so on and so forth... :((( Anyway, today was pretty chill. I had spravato and slept during it mostly, then came home and slept AGAIN! I am now awake. I hope I can get some real work done.

I just heard my water bottle crack. It scared tf out of me.

But here we are. Here we are, folks. I am alive.

comments